Doomsayers would lament that nothing is sacred these days. And they’re not wrong. Harry Potter, a cherished children’s book many millennials grew up with that teaches children the values of bravery, tolerating people who are different, and believing the impossible is possible, has been debased for years to equally disturbing and hilarious effect.
In honor of the launch of “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” this month (and the brand new Magic Wand Box) we have dredged some of the darkest and most disturbing recesses of the internet to bring you…
- SEXY HP COSPLAY
A portmanteau of “costume” and “play”, cosplay refers to the practice of dressing up with the aim of embodying a character (typically from fiction). Cosplay gained popularity in Japan originally but has since taken root in the United States, fostering communities, conventions and a veritable Etsy-based cottage industry for character costumes, props and accessories. Cosplay outfits range from simple and off-the-shelf to exceptionally elaborate and homemade, and while plenty of HP cosplay aficionados take on tasteful and complex characters, others veer in a slightly different direction:
- SEXY HP TOYS AND LINGERIE
- HP PORN
With so many school uniforms, phallic wands and horny teenagers in the Potterverse it’s wholly unsurprising that the franchise has spawned a veritable pornucopia of adult firm homages. At last count PornHub turned up 556 results to a search for video content related to the bespectacled Boy Who Lived
- SEXY HP FANART
A lot of active imaginations have churned out an ocean of X-rated depictions of all your favorite Hogwarts graduates in an infinitude of different parings and compromised states. These were among the most G-rated we could find. Trust us- wandering naively through fan art sites like DeviantArt can be dicer than traipsing through the Forbidden Forrest on the full moon with professor Lupin off his Wolfsbane meds- c.f. Rule 43 of the Internet)
- HP SLASH FICTION AND OTHER WRITTEN SMUT
For those of you more cerebrally inclined who prefer to read rather than watch your smut, you will not want for long in the Potterverse. Legions of amateur authors have penned reams of fan fiction (or “fan fic”) in English and many other languages (see: “Harry Fondler and the Magic Zipper” from France below). These works run the gamut from romance to unapologetic, unmitigated smut and tend to center on different parings of two or more characters portrayed as either straight or gay (with the latter subgenre classed as “slash” fiction, after the “/” used to tag the characters involved in the story- e.g.,Draco/Harry). Certain pairings with especially robust followings are known as “ships” (a contraction of “relationship”), whose followers discuss the subtle subtextual clues in the HP cannon which validate that Professor Snape is totes boinking Hagrid.