Tracking Your Period


                                    By: Ashley Brooke Roberts

Not to open a can of red waves, but periods...am I right ladies? Most of us have had one or used to have one or are waiting to get one (you’re too young to be reading this blog), but hardly any of us feel comfortable talking about them in a real way. We can make jokes, usually bad, hackie jokes, and we can complain about cramps, but how many of us are truly paying attention to what’s going on with our period besides the four to five days of “maintenance time,” as I like to call it? For example, if you’re on the pill you know when shit’s going down because it’s all planned out: green pill, green pill, green pill, pink pill! Better go buy some lady party favors. But if you’re not on the pill, if you’re an ardent supporter of the condom, the sponge, or please, no physical contact, then how many of you are paying attention to your period cycle? I’m gonna guess slim to none, unless you also happen to be a sex-writer. 

Hey Ashley, why are you writing about this? I’m uncomfortable. Great question! And please have a seat, make yourself comfy. I guess it all came from an app I downloaded. A period app I stumbled upon while attempting to explore the entire internet. It’s called FemCal and it’s for women who are trying to conceive, but I thought, shoot, let me give this a whirl. I’m not 100% sure when the old gal is coming to town, so maybe it’ll help me with a little head’s up. And, it did! I learned all sorts of stuff, like how long my cycle was, when to expect my next period, and particular characteristics of my time of the month. The thing, though, that really got my goat in terms of making my heating-pad-using-chocolate-covered day was figuring out when I was ovulating. Not because I want to zap any buns in my microwave (I’m a modern), but because I love ovulating. Like, I’m really into it. It’s one of the reasons I’m not crazy about hormone-based birth control. For those who are unfamiliar, ovulating starts about fourteen days before your period when a little eggy is released into the wild forest of the fallopian tubes. 

It is also a time when, get this, you become more sexual. I mean, everything feels better and looks good. You’re happier than normal, and your skin is clearer, your hair shinier, rainbows are literally shooting out of your ass. It’s that time of the month when things just seem to be going your way. Why? Because your body wants you to be happy and frolic and fornicate and reproduce. See how they all go hand in hand? Happy = DTF. Well, maybe not 100% but your body is trying. It wants you to feel good because this four to five day window is the best chance of fertilizing that egg. The good-times window is important to know about so you can be more prepared for when, against better judgement, your body seems to be saying sex without a condom is totally fine. Why is it doing this? It wants you to get pregnant. Nothing personal! It’s just biological. But now you know and you can be extra prepared. Added bonus: knowing that you’re going to have a heightened sex drive during a certain part of your cycle, means more sexual freedom, and more opportunities for maximum pleasure making time. Whether you just want to know when to pack some pads or you’re looking for a new hobby, tracking your period can enhance your sex life, because like they used to say on NBC: the more you know about your cycle the more room you have for sexual pleasure.

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a comedian based out of New York City. You can find out more about her at AshleyBrookeRoberts.com. Also, follow her on twitter @AshleyBRoberts. She'd be really into that.


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