This just in, from everybody’s favorite feminist magazine GlamO-Barf, a quick True/False quiz to determine if you’re getting enough D in the V in your committed, loving relationship! Please find a dark, small space to crawl into (closet, kitchen cabinet, panic room) while you fill out the quiz. By the way, you’re welcome!
1.) All of your friends are boning way more and way harder than you. T/F
2.) You’re a single virgin. T/F
3.) People be all like “Damn girl, you should be having way more sex with your boyfriend.” T/F
4.) You’re sexually satisfied in your relationship and are fed up with all the weird pressures/fake standards people, magazines, and yourself (we’re all guilty) place on your sex life. T/F
Results: If you realized that #4 is the right answer to the question “Are you having enough sex in your relationship?” then ding ding ding we have a winner folks! But why even ask in the first place? Ugg, I don’t know, somewhere between a friend of a friend saying they had sex 23 times last weekend and Olivia Wilde claiming that her and Jason Sudeikis have “sex like Kenyan marathon runners,” I was like, wait AM I HAVING ENOUGH SEX? HOW MUCH SEX SHOULD I BE HAVING? AND 23 TIMES? IN ONE WEEKEND?? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Because, seriously, 23 times is too much sex, right? Right? The answer to that question, is, of course, the answer to this whole post: it’s all relative my friend.
I can’t be the only one completely exhausted by the constant requirements of what a healthy romantic union is being thrown at me from every direction the internet can cover. Maybe it’s hardwired into our biology (probably) to always be seeking out what is “normal,” but more often than not, finding out what “normal” is means being introduced to another abstract generalization so far outside of ourselves that it serves nothing but to confuse us further. Are you guys with me on this?
So that being said, three times a week is NORMAL, right? No more, no less! Just kidding, there is no normal. Ultimately, it’s illogical, and such a symptom of our culture/society at large, that we care more about numbers than about well being. How Much Do You Weigh vs. Are You Healthy? Annual Salary vs. Proud of Your Job? See where I am going here? I’m making a promise to myself, starting now, that I’m not going to worry about the amount of booty I’m giving and taking in contrast to my friends and pretend friends (celebrities). Instead, I’m going to check in and asses the situation. Not check out and compare. Check in, not out!
So what do you think? Are you plagued by insecurities you’re not having the “right” amount of sex? Or are you as happy as a hot dog at a bun party?
Ashley Brooke Roberts is a comedian based out of New York City. You can find out more about her at AshleyBrookeRoberts.com. Also, follow her on twitter @AshleyBRoberts. She'd be really into that.