Ah Spring. Birds are chirping, perennials are flowering, bunnies are vigorously… well you get the idea. And with the advent of spring comes the start of wedding (and, by extension, bachelorette) season. All over the US, ladies and their #squaaaads are setting out for Spa Days, Chippendale revues, and Vegas Weekends full of sisterly love and, like as not, a bevvy of cheap phallic kitsch. How did it come to this?
The bachelorette party as we know it is a fairly modern invention, long predated by that of the bridal shower (though the latter persists in parallel today). Until the last half a century or so, marriage and its attendant domestic and childrearing duties were broadly viewed as the teleological end of womankind- as such, jettisoning one’s status as a single lady was not a thing to be viewed with remorse but rather something to be celebrated- traditionally with tea parties and practical gifts that would help the bride-to-be appoint an inviting home.
This first shift in these views came around the 60s, as women’s lib and other more progressive cultural movements inspired more women to seek equality with their male counterparts in various arenas. In the 80s, however, even more permissive cultural attitudes coupled with the media influence of television and films like Tom Hank’s Bachelor Party would shape the script for how these over-the-top events should be conducted.
The last twenty years have seen typical bachelorette parties embody a schizophrenic set of contradictions: at the once -in the vein of a prototypical bachelor party- raunch tends to be pervasive, often involving strippers and abundant lewd puns. At the same time, brides-to-be are also expected to perform an exaggerated pastiche of princessy femininity. What happens when you throw all of that in a blender?
A tiara made of dicks, obviously.
What other horrors might the Bachelorette Industrial Complex have up its sleeve? Your intrepid friends at Unbound were determined to find out. Here are the worst 15 party favors we could find:
1. Chippendale Cookies – Cost: N/A
For when dessert without nipples that could cut glass just won’t do.
2. TP Wedding Dress Challenge – Cost: Your Dignity
Sure, you’re all intelligent grown-ass women, but what could be a more “chic & unique” parlor game than wrapping yourselves in 2-ply like a toddler mailing in his mummy costume for Halloween?
3. Hot Willy Game - Cost: $10.99
Have you ever turned over fond memories in your mind of playing hot potato as a kid, but lamented that the experience didn’t involve a large purple penis with teeth?
4. Dong Bong – Cost: $29.99
She’s not going to get any beer with the tubing kinked like that, poor girl.
5. Scary Eunuch Blow-Up Doll – Cost: $14.99
Smoother than a Ken Doll down there. Now with pointier feet!
6. Testicle Festival Bachelorette Party Pin – Cost: $3.20
Did you miss all the presale tix for this year’s Test Fest but want your friends to still think you were there? These will do the trick. \m/\m/
7. Shirts – Cost: $19.50
SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE? LOLZ.
8. Nipple Spinners – Cost: $11.99
Put these on your exposed breasts and then have endless fun with combinations such as:
- Kiss + Old Guy!
- Wink At + Bald Guy!
- Dance With + Drunk Guy!
9. Dueling Dicks – Cost: $21
Why let men have all the penis-jousting fun? 100 cents on the dollar can wait- this is the real day you’ve been waiting for.
10. Dick Headband with Veil – Cost: $8.09
This understated piece will make him fall in love with you all over again.
11. Eye Mask – Cost: $9.99
The perfect way to get some shuteye and reduce those unsightly undereye bags before the big day.
12. Jumping Pecker – Cost: $5.99
With the twelve pack everyone in the bridal party can race their own down the aisle!
13. Willy Whack-It Piñata – Cost: $19.95
Take out your frustrations on the Phallocracy and the French in one fell swoop!
14. Penis Press-Ons - Cost: $25.00
Neutrals are so in this Spring.
15. Dick & Balls Latex Mask: Cost: $13.59
The logical extension of all the foregoing. Bonus: Jessica Simpson approved (but actually, that's her).